I feel scared….
So much has happened the last 1,5 year. As I think things couldn’t get worse, they do.
As I think I can’t have more, I have to deal with more.
As I think I want to get out of it, I can’t…
One big issue of mine is, I want people to understand me… in friendships, relationships, acquaintances. It’s very very difficult for me to let things glide of me, or turn around, without both understanding what’s happening. The ‘why’.
Why things are not working.
Why things are happening.
Why you/me act the way you/I do.
Preferably get to a shared understanding.
Not think the same, but at least understand each other…
Life shows me again that apparently that is impossible..
‘Malheureusement’, in French language.
The result is the feeling of a lot of pain inside. It hurts me… things don’t glide of my back easily, or actually just don’t. They stuck.
And I stay in contact, situations, longer than I should. I dive deeper than most do I guess. Analysing. Trying to grasp what’s happening, trying to achieve this mutual understanding, trying to heal situations also, trying.. and giving it energy.
What becomes lost energy… and partly loosing myself for some time.
And now I feel scared.
I feel stuck.
Unable to flee.
Without knowing how to stand up much longer…and almost literally speaking…
I long for peace.
Peace of mind.
Peace of living.
Peace of just taking care of myself and my boy. Nothing more….
I am scared to choose for myself in situations where others are involved. Even when they do it all the time despite my feelings.
I’ve stayed too long.
I’ve ignored my own needs too long, or set them aside.
What if you really really need to leave for your own health, but that means becoming an ass of a person? Because that means leaving another on its own as well?
What if you simply can’t go on…? When is not a question anymore of wanting or not, but just feeling you’re on the verge of crashing yourself? What do you do?
Do you let yourself be dragged down further because the other doesn’t accept your ‘can’t go on no more’?
Having a chronically energy problem since 11 years..
I was pregnant 9 months, stress during pregnancy because of relation and situations.
I gave birth naturally ♡ and day 3 had to deal with immense stress from partner while recovering still in hospital.
I got a lot of stress by partner after 3 weeks by his choices (again) plus being judged by my inability to give solo attention on that person.
Life threw in a mix to on his health by cluster headaches (suicide headaches).
Me getting past the initial hormone flow of energy after birth and starting to feel exhausted cause of too much stress and not enough calm recovery.
2 months away, recovering a bit from the load of happenings, financial stress, physical stress, mental stress. 2 out of 3 strongly related by the relationship and that person’s choices and my inability to get a true say that results in act.
Getting back and a short ‘happy’ time where hope enters.
Addiction starts again in partner….but it’s not his but my problem…I make things aan issue. I shut up. I try.
I start feeling emotionally incapable of giving anymore.
I gave my everything in that matter over 2,5 years.
I get threatened by being left once again by him, his anger and frustration inside him and also feeling not okay.
I can’t bring up the energy anymore to stop him after so many times and pains, so I accept the break up. I leave for my family to get 2 weeks of rest. Something has snapt inside, impossible to repair this time.
Getting back things are again put into the continuing of our relationship by him… things start to become scary..
Not feeling free. Scared physically and mentally because of his state of being. Surviving mentally. Not being able to truely say how it is for me…because of not being sure of being safe..
And over a week ago, locking myself up in the bedroom, after saying again that it’s toxic for the both of us… him becoming ill too often lately, me having to rest more and more and feeling ill and millions of physical warnings, our son who starts to show frustration.
What did I mean?
Well…my feelings haven’t changed yet (2 or 3 weeks before that I dared to say I didn’t see it anymore for us to continue, him not accepting it, we (Finally, me trying this already for a year so it somewhat feels late..) started with a very very good coach I know after that announcement).
That triggered full hatred…
I locked myself up and had made an escape plan in my head. My friend was contacted and knew my situation.
Things calmed down luckily a bit the day after. I left for 4 days staying with my friend.
Partner after this week of also feeling burned out, emotionally instable, me empath but very alert.
Him finally going to work….and next morning the intensive care issue. Lungs.
Fluid behind, complication collapse, lung not being attached anymore (!), examinations etc. Emphysema. Hole in lung. Still waiting now…
And me in this life we’ve chosen and impossible to live alone here with the chores of wood-water-Joshua-myself-animals, overworked, overstressed (physically, emotionally, mentally) exhausted. Trying to arrange everything and then getting judged from someone in the hospital…
I feel sucked empty…drained myself (‘funny’ saying while he’s the one with a drain..).
I’m really totally through…
You don’t leave someone who’s I’ll….
But I literally can’t go on myself either…
What do you do….