Okay. It’s PMS time ;-) , but these thoughts are real though.

I don’t want to fight no more.
To ‘be’ something in this world.
To get yourself ‘out there’.
To ‘make it’!

Okay. It’s PMS time 😉 , but these thoughts are real though.
For years already, I strive to make something out of my life. At least one friend told me the other day I inspire her, the only inspirator in her life next to her partner. And no better compliment I’ve ever gotten. Because, isn’t that what I want? Be an inspiration?
At least I’ve reached one person! 😉

But. How come I keep struggling again and again…
It seems like I fall again and again.
I’ve taken steps in life I know they are not dared to be made by everyone.
I live by doing so.
But I struggle at the same time.
And another friend pointed out the other day, why do I always have to fight so hard…

My ego told me many excuses. Real excuses.
Hey, it ís me without a true income, depending on welfare due to a chronic disability. Which by the way does nót provide me a monthly income, just halfway of the monthly survival. The rest I receive from just being lucky I guess to be born where I was born.
But I don’t want it that way!
Gosh no!
And it’s not there forever.
So I feel constantly rushed and pushed by ‘money’ and creating an independent life for myself.
It’s my ambition, my education, my personal being, the system, my dependance financially and physically, my since 2 years being a mother, that’s making myself feel pushed towards this craving independence.
Making my own income and nót relying on someone/something else.

It stands for freedom.
And freedom is my engine… maybe everyone’s engine?
But I will never feel freedom if I don’t contribute to other lives in a way (of inspiration) nor the earth.
So my head spins millions of ways already for years now. Okay, no, not daily, it would be insane 😉 .

Since I’ve decided, somewhere on my ‘illness-journey’ that I’ll find a way to be fully independent financially despite my disability which renders me only a few active hours a day. I created a bit of an energy hobble on the way with a son and thus being a mom 😉 . But I’m still in for this.

Just. It has got to be sustainable. Honest. True. Authentic. Inspiring. Good. Furfilling. And reach the world.

I’ve tried dependance with a man starting 4 years ago who promised me peace and rest to work on my dream and instead provided me with so much stress and chaos that 3 years later I had to literally flee my home with my son in my arms and my mother on my heels with me.

Okay. So really. Apparently I’m not to believe in fairytales that there will be someone who can give me peace in order for me to follow these dreams I have. I will have to achieve these dreams by being single mom, physically restricted, struggling on.

My thought?
Hell yeah. It’ll only be more inspiring when I’m doing so! 😉

But gosh. Really? Sometimes I want to just lay back and breathe (note : I literally forget to breathe well, forget to relax my breath by letting it flow through my belly and body. Partly because of this enthusiastic me).
One of my dreams is to write. Just plain write.
Yeah yeah I hear you say. Like so many others yeah.
But really, mine will be different and it’ll reach you!
Yeah yeah… so they all say.
Well. Just wait and see. One day. 🙂

I’ve tried my own practice in coaching and healing and massage. Beautiful name I had. A website. Even a few clients, among them my grandmother ♡. But, promotion was necessary and where on earth did I get that energy from? Mountain on the road after a year of really planning my days with my work around my health and necessary rest.

Okay. So I’ve got to cut down on living fees. Food was always very important because it gave me a big move forward in my health. No touching the biological sugarfree etc way of life as long as possible.
I like alternative. I like the earth. I saw and stayed in a yurt. I found myself a yurt 2 days drive away in Hungary ( 😉 ) and bought it. I almost gave up on the search for a place to put it. Damn that’s not easy!
But finally, yes, I got to put up my own yurt with the help of some beautiful helpful people.
Yurtlife began ♡.

I met my ex not long after. Life’s change. I got on a train impossible to get of. Chaos arrived. Wishful thinking as well. The voice of my heart went unheard, too much loud sounds on that train. Went to France. Sold my yurt. Bought a medieval house. Planned self-sustaining life in dependance by this man. Got pregnant. Fulltime pre-mama. Fulltime mama. The chaos, stress became more immens over time. The train almost literally crashed. It had to.
And the crash freed me. I needed to be freed.
My resources where ‘eaten’ more than they should have.
I stranded with my son at my moms place. My house is for sale, with 17ha of land, rocky river, water source ♡. Special place. I will start over somewhere else.

Not a whole year has passed yet. But I can truely say, I’ve come out better than expected mentally, physically. I feel strong again. Motivated. Determined. But there is also something that comes creeping up at me again…which is old…. rush, haste, pressure… is there no way for me without?
Can’t I achieve my dreams without this energy of ‘fight’ and pressure?
There is no way I can relax and stand still still for my son is 2 and by 4 there comes school. And by that age we will have settled in our new-to-be-place, stability for him (and me), in nature, with a creative way of earning a living, with other people, good for people and earth. 🙂 ♡. Think trees, somewhat of a community, open for bookings on the terrain, inner health, connection.
So.
There’s not really breathing space with just no hours free during a day. Sleeping/resting every single moment with my boy, meaning also going to bed at night when he goes, because needing it to keep on my feet. Single mama with restriction creating her dream life despite it all! 😉

Breathe in. Breathe out.
I will get there.

Just every now and then. Yes, I also don’t want to fight all the time. So I create (try) my little zen-moments/-seconds. But this dream is so real. The motivation of my own success so powerful. “There has to be a way” (for me despite my physical restrictions due to this chronic thingy: like I sad to myself more than 7 years ago).

Apparently I dó go for it and live different than a lot of people, which apparently inspires. At least my good friend 😉 .
That’s something.
Her words just gave me enough to continue this journey.

Will be continued….